Funny, but my kids didn’t come with a user manual. Even while pregnant I knew I had a massive learning curve ahead of me. Most people focus on the birth, me, I was more worried about the 20 years that would follow. And rightly so it seems.
So I’ve been collecting some good reference materials if you need some. Not that you can read a book and know how to parent, you can’t. It comes with lots and lots of practice. For me there was the issue of defining the issue. I needed a lot of practice and failure to figure out what the problem was, THEN I could go in search of some reference materials to help.
So, if you’re at that point when you’ve been seeing some issues with your 2, 4, 6 year old and you might benefit from some parenting tips (because let’s face it, it’s a parenting issue, not a child issue and anyone who tells you any different has their head on backward) I might be able to help…
No Bad Kids, Janet Lansbury:
A toddler acting out is not shameful, nor is it behavior that needs punishing. It’s a cry for attention, a shout-out for sleep, or a call to action for firmer, more consistent limits. It is the push-pull of your toddler testing his burgeoning independence. He has the overwhelming impulse to step out of bounds, while also desperately needing to know he is securely reined in. There is no question that children need discipline. As infant expert Magda Gerber said, “Lack of discipline is not kindness, it is neglect.”
For more check out http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/
Have a New Kid by Friday, Dr Kevin Leman:
This book should really be called “Be a new Parent by Friday” and has some statements that I’m sure would get up the noses of Janet (above). Leman states that “Children are masters at manipulation“. But actually he is agreeing with Janet and Magda – he isn’t saying that they are all devious little monsters, he is actually saying that if you don’t stand up and be a parent and set solid, consistent boundaries that they can understand…well, they could end up becoming one.
Children need parents, they will find friends so stop trying to be theirs and find your own. They can only develop their understanding of the world if you give them a consitent understanding of how it works. If something is not negotiable, stop negotiating. My daughter is a master negotiator and I’ve found it incredibly challenging and rewarding to learn to set clear expectations, and then just walk away.
Parenting is a relationship, and it shouldn’t be an authoriarian one, it should be one build on long explanations to sate their curiosity; quality time and attention; respect that everyone feels heard. Kids also need to appreciate and respect you as a person, that you have a life too – they are an important part, but not the whole part….at least not past the first couple of years. Let’s face it, a new baby is totally reliant on you, that’s not what I’m talking about. 2 or 3 years and above, when they start to notice the world doesn’t entirely revolve around them…that should include you.
What can I say? I’m still learning and the curve is still steep. If you’d like to share any good reference materials by all means send in a comment and I’ll add it, here are a few more on my desk at the moment:
Raising Girls, Steve Biddulph
Raising Boys, Steve Biddulph
Raising Mindful Children, Jeremy Wardle & Maureen Weinhardt
And I wish you the very best of insight, compassion and relationship building, cause luck has nothing to do with it.