OK, so I am no sleep expert. Have to put that right there, up front.
I’m not here to criticise those who go to sleep school or try controlled crying – I do think there is a massive pressure on parents to prove they have “good kids” who sleep. I also think that it really sucks getting up to your kids time and time and time again… It’s really hard. If you are following this route I think you need to know that research has demonstrated detrimental effects to a child’s brain if they are left to cry – when they stop, they have given up, not “trained”. You may want to look into the research for yourself to be sure it’s right for you, but that’s not what this post is about.
I am writing this post to give hope. If you do choose to go with the natural flow I can give you hope. I have been there. I have heard that I am ruining my kids for life, ruining my life – spoiling them by answering their cries. Setting myself up for a lifetime of bed-sharing. I’ve seen the posts about cosleeping being like sleeping your child with a sabre or kitchen knife or whatever the latest is. I have one thing to say: Pfft.
So here’s how life went in our house:
4.5years ago my dear daughter was born. She was pretty textbook – she slept her longest sleep at the start of the night. Usually about 5 hours. If I wanted a decent sleep, I went to bed early. Really early. But that way I could get a few hours of unbroken sleep.
She used to wake more frequently for feeds in the early hours of the morning – by the time I figured out a pattern (around 6 months) she woke about 3 times a night. Unfortunately it was the first 6 months I was a new anxious parent and listened to all the “expert” advice. I spent most of my night up trying to get her to resettle into her cot. Seriously, I spent my nights awake: Is she too hot? Too cold? Why is she trying to get up every time I put her down? (Rookie mistake.)
At 7 months I thought: screw this. I took her to bed with me and I NEVER looked back.
OMG – cosleeping was the best thing ever. I could actually feel her and know everything that was going on with her whilst still sleeping! Roll over, feed, sleep. Simple.
We did hit a bit of a bump when I fell pregnant with my son. My supply dropped, a lot. My daughter was now 15months, still feeding 3 times a night. By 18 months 3 times a night suddenly became 5 times a night because she wasn’t getting enough and I didn’t have enough so suddenly it HURT.
So without really thinking about it or planning a strategy, I started negotiating the night-time feeds. If she wanted a drink I’d ask her to cuddle mummy to sleep instead. Sometimes she would settle for this and sometimes she would lose it. I figured this was a “Mum I genuinely REALLY need a drink right now please.” (Whilst in the back of my mind I thought: I am TEACHING her to scream for milk – this can only lead to her doing a lot MORE screaming – I am an idiot!)
Result? She learnt to cuddle to sleep and was night-weaned by 22 months. So by 22 months my daughter knew how to cuddle to sleep, but she was still in my bed and baby #2 was well on his way.
2 years almost to the day #2 arrived. I knew from last time I wanted him close. We converted our cot into a day bed that fit snugly against the side of my bed. Cosy. Safe. Worked. I could reach out, touch him, feel him and feed him with the toddler sleeping snug against my other side.
I can’t honestly remember but I think she was about 2.5. One day she was playing and she jumped into the cot and wanted to play there. I asked if she wanted it to be her own special bed from now on. “Yes please!” Ok, toddler now sleeps in her own bed. Gee, that was easier than I thought it was going to be…
Around age 3 I finally got around to making a room for the kids (ok, so I wasn’t the painting-the-nursery-at-13weeks-pregnant kinda mum…). We deliberated for a looooong time what it should look like. In the end we have a very low (ankle-height) queen bed. I don’t like the idea of kids falling out of bed and singles were pointless if I was going to be there half the time (let’s face it). The ambitious idea was that the children will end up weaning from mum and cosleep together in time (research shows this reduces sibling rivalry, so get onto it!).
So the progression from here? Well she started going to sleep with a story and a pat on the back, night toilet trained with about 1 accident around 3.5 and to my utter amazement, last week she asked me for the opportunity to sleep by herself. Sure, and would you like to put yourself to bed to? Ok, it took a little explaining that if she went to sleep by herself and gave me a little time to work, I’d have more time I didn’t have to work tomorrow, but she accepted that and went to bed with a “Goodnight mamma, hope you have sweet dreams”.
So, 4.5years it took. She was pretty much sleeping through by 2, but the whole package deal? Well, it took time and a whole lotta patience (which some nights I did NOT have, I admit). Why am I sharing this? My kids didn’t manipulate me, they cried when they needed me. We coslept so I could get sleep too. We naturally progressed each step when she was ready, when she understood what I was asking of her and she felt she was ok to go ahead.
Parenting is so full of pitfalls. The biggest I think is listening to everyone else telling us to ignore our kids. We don’t need random advice, we need support – this parenting gig is a bloody hard slog. We need to trust our nurturing instincts and listen to our kids as they try and communicate with us – parenting is a partnership and they are our partners.
So if your instinct is telling you not to let them cry, it’s a long road but there is hope. They can learn to sleep, naturally… honest!
*If you are cosleeping please do it safely. Cosleeping gets a bad reputation from people who try to do it drunk or overly tired. Risks are small if you are safe.