Parenting is intense right? Seriously, before you’ve even got the kid you’ve got to decide public or private hospital, natural or c-section, vaccinate or not to vaccinate. Then they arrive and it’s breast vs bottle, and when shall I go back to work, which child care? What age? …argh!
These are big decisions that affect a beautiful little soul who has been gifted into our care. They affect a defenceless child who relies on us for all comfort, love and nourishment… These decisions will affect the health and development of this child from now until eternity – sounds dramatic? Maybe, doesn’t make it untrue.
Didn’t see my post about the movie microbirth? You really need to check it out here – how we have birth isn’t just affecting how a child enters the world, it affects their long-term health AND the health of subsequent generations. Yep – welcome to the snowball affect.
Do I leave a baby to cry it out (CIO) and learn to self-settle? They need to learn to sleep right? Sure, but how you go about it can have long-term effects. CIO has been demonstrated to change the neurochemistry of the infant as they switch off that part of the brain that relates to their expectation of being responded to by the herd we live in, because we are traditionally social creatures.
Are we born knowing this? No. It’s all really intense, and controversial, and mostly we don’t know the answers. We’ve lost the village of knowledge and support. We research, most of us, and get conflicting advice and even more confused. If my decision is different to yours then by default I am criticising your parenting, because I did my research and didn’t agree. Parents get insanely sensitive and judgemental as we all (outwardly at least) try to convince the world we got it right.
If you’ve done your research and made the best decision for your child, stand in your truth, but always be open to listening and learning, everyone’s journey is very different.
But what if it’s worse than that? What if you and your partner have very different opinions? How do you bridge that gap when you are trying to protect this child you created with every fibre of your being and you are so sure that your side is “right”?
To be honest I’m not writing this because I have an answer – every relationship is going to have a different way to work through these issues. I suggest talking is a good start, each parent doing their own independent research and comparing notes. Of course, this is all a bit pie in the sky, I don’t know many who have a relationship like this. If you do, congratulations and please don’t talk to me, I’m too jealous to be nice to you.
This whole family unit of 2 adults is a bit of a misnomer anyway – we aren’t built to rely on one other person for everything. Reach out and find the support you need outside your relationship – it’s really important you don’t put that kind of pressure on one individual, they just won’t measure up, they can’t. There are some fab groups on social media now who can offer info and advice, some of them very knowledgeable and well-researched.
I also suggest that perhaps the person who has to do the school run every day, the canteen duty and library roster, pack lunches and P&C meetings – they might have more of a say as to whether your child is taught at school or at home, and which school community might better suit your family.
And finally, if your instinct says cuddle your baby, then by all means do it. If your partner can’t handle cosleeping then buy him another bed (maybe with a tv in the room to keep him happy). This is such a short stage in your life. It’s intense, you’re sleep-deprived and feel pressured from EVERY DAMN DIRECTION. Hang in there and find your village – find mums who get it, who are on your wavelength, whatever that wavelength is, and just ride it out. These little creatures really do grow SO FAST. Enjoy the closeness, soon you’ll be arguing about boyfriends and if they are old enough to be trusted with your car…