I’ve just had a trip to Bali. It’s funny how that makes me feel saying that. I needed it. I hadn’t had a break from my kids since…well since they were born, nearly 6 years ago. I finished breastfeeding only 6 months ago (the second I mean). I NEEDED some time for me…to reconnect with myself. To be a better mother and a better version of me. But at the same time Oh. My. God. I felt so guilty. I feel like now people look at me and go: “seriously, some mothers…” I went from super dedicated (ok, matyr = not healthy) to living it up in Bali right? Yech. I feel tainted.
And on the other hand I spent a week reflecting and learning about me on a really deep, important level. It was an incredible inward journey. A soul-cleanse journey that I wish everyone could take because it is revealing and beautifully healing all at the same time.
EVERY thing that happened that week was an internal question of “Who is noticing?”
EVERY thing that triggered me was a question of “Who is being triggered? And why?”
Because there is only us. If someone upsets us, what is it in us that feels hurt or unsafe? At what deeper level did we once feel vulnerable or unloved? Looking within and witnessing whatever is there, whatever presents itself to us is powerful. Revealing.
And so I go back to me again – who is feeling tainted? The little girl who needed to be right and seek approval? Who needs to be the perfect parent? The little girl who never felt she was good enough? Who needs to judge others? The woman who spends her life looking outward, so that she doesn’t need to see the hurts within?
Sometimes we need to sit and reflect to really understand what is cluttering up our souls, our lives, our energy. We need to spring-clean. Pull those thoughts and beliefs out and really examine them and get to understand them, and then let them go…
Finding balance in life is hard. Finding balance in parenting is just about impossible. Finding peace and joy, that is a choice. I fought my expectations for so long – wanting things to be different. Seems silly in so many ways, but that’s what I did. What I really needed though, was to take the time to witness those feelings, express them fully and then allow myself to be free of them.
My lesson from Bali? We MUST take the time to sit in quiet contemplation. 5 minutes a day connecting in the shower if you have to. I have a friend who has some mindful time on the toilet. Seriously – THAT is the key. It may seem ridiculous, but it is our determination to make that small space of time HAPPEN each day that makes all the difference. We need the reflect. We need to spring-clean. Our energy needs it. Our dependants need it, because they need us to be THAT. They need us to be the example. To lift our energy. To love more completely. To be present and hold space for them. We can only do that when our cup is full.
Namaste.
><><><
I AM THAT I AM
I am safe
I am connected
I am love
I am light
I am forgiving
I am truth
I am inner knowing
I am authentic
I am courageous
I am strong
I am divine
I am beautiful
I am sensual
I am creative
I am powerful
I am unconditional love
I am joy
I AM ENOUGH
I AM THAT I AM.