5 years is a long time. A really long time to do anything for me, for my whole generation I think. Let me tell you about one of the longest journeys of my life and some of the things I’ve learnt.
Firstly, breastfeeding doesn’t necessarily come naturally or easily. The people who stick with it and do it for a long time don’t do it because it came easier for them. I’ve heard their stories. Most of them have surmounted the most amazing difficulties and challenges for the simple fact they wanted to give this to their kids. They were determined to give the best possible health to their children, the best possible bonding experience, the best possible start to life and sorry, the jury is in. That way breastfeeding lies.
I don’t advocate breastfeeding to make bottle-feeding mums feel guilty. The ones who feel guilty are the ones who really tried and just couldn’t. The tragedy of this is many of these women probably could have if they had some good quality assistance, advice and support from the experts – sadly this is often lacking or too little too late. The guilt should not be on these mothers, the guilt should be on society as a whole – if we valued this practice enough to put the money into education and support we would have a whole different outcome for many, many breastfeeding relationships. If we accepted this practice as normal and expected, it would be a natural, normal part of the knowledge we pass to our children, it would be intuitive as something they had been exposed to their whole lives. Sadly that is not the case.
No, it’s not about guilt, but the research of the benefits of breastfeeding are undeniable and so we owe it to our children to do our best – to seek the support, the information…I didn’t find it from any health experts. I found it from other breastfeeding mums who value it as much as I do and want to educate and support other mums. I found an online village – a little late but amazing none the less.
My journey started 5 years ago – my daughter was born 15 days “over”, 100% naturally (after the most amazing pressure to induce and intervene). I went home after 14hrs – with no more education or support than one antenatal class and a breastfeeding class that I sought out for myself.
I lived on the wrong side of the river to get any further assistance from the hospital but a phone number. I had no family or friends around me with kids. I didn’t have a clue. I had one friend – actually the midwife from my antenatal class. I sought her out after my class and basically said “I like the message you’re selling, can I catch up with you sometime?”
Luckily my newfound midwife friend was also a Lactation Consultant and the most generous person I’ve ever met – she offered to stop by after I’d been home a couple of days. “Yes please!” Somehow whatever I had been taught in my breastfeeding class just didn’t gel when I suddenly had a newborn in my arms. I had nipple damage from the very first feed, I was in excrutiating pain EVERY feed, I didn’t know how to sit in a comfortable posture or get the baby to latch properly (and I’d never heard of tongue tie that’s for sure!).
She gave me a posture to try – tried to help but not overload me with information. I got through about 2 weeks before I was at my absolute wit’s end. My nipple wasn’t healing – the baby was stripping skin off it. It was so painful to feed I flinched every time she latched until I had wrenched my neck and I was asking my sister to hold me down so I could feed the baby without injuring anyone. I had tears running down my face and if I had seen an alternative I would have given up, right there. Right then. But I didn’t see an alternative. To me, babies were supposed to be breastfed and I was going to give it to her if it killed me. I was so distressed I almost thought it was.
My mum was visiting. She called the ABA hotline and a woman spoke to me. A voluteer. Another breastfeeding mum who donated her time and her experience to help others. She gave me a single idea that turned everything around for me. She explained how the hardest latch was initially, when the baby was trying to get let-down. If I hand expressed just the first little bit to get let-down the rest should be gentler, less traumatic. I tried it. It still hurt but nowhere near as intensely. The one piece of advice at the right time changed my breastfeeding journey completely.
It took maybe 3-4months for my nipple to heal – it wasn’t the most fun start to motherhood and bonding. Let’s face it, it sucked. But I did it. I did it for my baby. It was just that important to me. I can’t say I ever really enjoyed breastfeeding – other mums talk of the bonding time. I just survived it…5 years of surviving it LOL.
When my daughter was 15months old I feel pregnant with my son. I was still feeding 3 times a night. As my supply dropped with pregnancy (she was around 18months) this suddenly became 5 feeds a night. 5 nipple-tearing painful feeds a night. My next hurdle.
I didn’t want to give up yet, her immune system was still developing. She still needed this but night feeds were becoming impossible. By the time she was 20 months I was doing some hard-arse negotiations. I would ask her, beg her to just cuddle to sleep. Sometimes she agreed, sometimes she cried. When she cried I fed her – she was telling me she really needed it. At the time I thought “you’re an idiot, you’re teaching her to cry and she’ll get it”. You know what? Whilst kids are smart, she wasn’t trying to manipulate me, she was genuine in her need and by 22 months she had night-weaned. As gently as I could manage, but as quickly as I could for the sake of my nipples and sanity.
My son was born 2 days before his sister’s 2nd birthday. I had spoken to her about the baby needing to share her milk – she was totally fine. There was no need for jealousy as they were both still feeding, sometimes she just had to wait her turn that’s all. This was a really nice period – as the baby got older the kids would sometimes pat each other on the back or cuddle whilst tandem feeding. It was the first time I think feeding really warmed my heart – to see my children bonding in this way.
I tandem fed for 18 months. Sounds crazy to many I’m sure – most people don’t even feed one child that long. It was such a special thing for the children to share. By the time she was 3, my daughter was only feeding fairly sporadically and by 3.5 she only asked so rarely that one day I said “Do you really need it?” She shook her head no and that was the end of it. Weaning the natural way – when the child is ready and fully developed.
So now I’m back to only one and I start to learn about tongue tie… My son actually had a tongue tie cut at 6 weeks of age. I thought I’d had it addressed. I was wrong. Without his sister feeding my supply dropped, a lot. I strongly recommend you learn about tongue tie yourself and seek support from mums who have been there – the experts are still in a phase of learning. Seriously, it is so relatively new and so amazing common at the same time – the experts are still trying to catch up on educating themselves and there are few who really know much. (I can recommend some amazing facebook support/advice groups.)
What I can tell you is – they don’t self-correct. If an “expert” tells you this, go get a second opinion. Ties can affect your breastfeeding relationship, but even if they don’t, it will affect your child’s airway development, teeth and palate development…so many things. You need to have it properly assessed, posterior tongue ties aren’t that easy to detect and are implicated in so many long-term issues.
So finally I gather a whole lot of information on tongue tie and have my son revised again, at 2.5 years old. It was not a fun experience. More than ever I am grateful for my continued breastfeeding – his tongue now needs to learn to move properly and nothing teaches this more than breastfeeding. Nothing will correct his palate better than breastfeeding. Hooray for breastfeeding.
He’s 3 at the end of this month. He spent his first 2 years feeding every 2 hours DAY AND NIGHT. I’m not kidding. Now, at nearly 3, he feeds morning and night. Even that he’s starting to live without. I didn’t have to do anything – he is coming to the end of his breastfeeding relationship and I have to say I’m kinda glad. 5 years is a loooong time. But he did it in his own time, and I’m so glad I offered him that at least. I just hope I remember to take the time to nourish that closeness with cuddles every day. Now that I’m not required it will be easier to forget. And he does give the most amazing cuddles.
This was my journey. It wasn’t easy. I didn’t get more than 3 hours consecutive sleep for nearly 5 years. On the first night my son slept more than 2 hours his sister was up with food poisoning – living the dream huh? But I did it. I survived. Sometimes I was depressed. Sometimes I was in pain. Sometimes I felt like I was suffocating – being needed every 2 hours or less, never getting 5 mintues without being touched – it really is enough to tip you over the edge. I get that it’s not easy – I’ve lived it. But it’s what I had to offer my children – the best start I possibly could. To me, it’s what being a mother is about. Being mum doesn’t stop at giving birth. It’s a long-term gig.
As parting advice I have only this to offer: it does get better. The sleep comes, the feeding ends…the challenges change and morph – nothing lasts forever. Try and stay in the moment where you are at, because it will end, and you might just realise how precious that closeness and those cuddles really were…